I'm Lisa and I'm twenty one. Some of you probably know me as Sionnach (and please still call me that because it's kind of like my name now anyway) but I'm putting my real name on here as I try to be more open about my health - not just to Tumblr but eventually (hopefully) to my friends and family. Letting you know my real name and not hiding behind a pseudonym is the first step out of many.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety disorders for years although only recently have I actually got round to seeking help. I am now on 40mg of Citalopram and am starting CBT in September to hopefully try and get my life back on track.
Things are getting better, but slowly and occasionally we go backwards. But I guess that's what life is like anyway so hey ho :)
Note to self - drinking when already clinically depressed is not a good idea. I may also have given away too much of my knowledge of antidepressants (fuck fuck fuck fuck) because my friend was talking about how her tutor had told her to go to the doctor to get ‘happy pills’ for her stress, and my other friend kept forgetting the name of them. We were all drunk, so I’m hoping they won’t remember tomorrow.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Just a big ball of self hatred. Don’t think the Sertraline is working. Haven’t done anything productive. Probably going to fail. Cut again after so long.
Rubbish. Had a massive stress fest this evening about other stuff, got told off by one friend because it was making her anxious, got told by another to ‘calm down’. Yeah, like I can turn the anxiety on and off just like that. So went up and savaged my thighs instead because obviously I even make my friends feel bad about themselves. Really helpful. Not.
Considered jumping out of my window on impulse, but not high up enough to do any real damage. This is how stupid it’s got. I’m stupid. Really fucking stupid.
I’m supposed to be handing in an essay today, but I can’t do it. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to write. This is where depression starts to ruin my life fully, because it’s like every time I try to engage my brain and actually think about things intelligently, depression is just like “no” and completely blocks off all my thoughts. It’s so frustrating and I can’t break out of it.
I may as well just give up now. I want to die. I want to feel better. I don’t know what I want.